From many years ago, back when The Onion was funny (warning: colorful language):

It’s really quite accurate, and possibly even better than Charlie Booker’s version (warning, colorful language):

I can’t help but think that the days of this sort of news broadcast have to be numbered, if for no other reason that the median age of people who still watch TV news is probably 75. The damage that news has done to society and to the people who watch it is incalculable; I hope that it does end soon and that it isn’t replaced by something worse. (Not everything is replaced by something worse, after all. That only happens quite often, not every time.)