What If Jessica Killed All Those People!

I don’t know why there are so many people who think that suggesting that it would somehow be clever if Murder, She Wrote ended by revealing that Jessica actually killed all of the people and framed all of the people who supposedly did it in each episode. Not only is this an obvious joke, it would be a truly terrible ending.

It is a comparatively minor objection, but this would require contradicting many of the episodes; it’s probably more than half in which the murderer confesses in the end. I suppose you could get around that by making it a science fiction show and giving Jessica mind control powers.

Which brings me to the real problem with this: it’s completely wrong for the genre. If the writers did this, it would just make Murder, She Wrote a comedy, or perhaps some sort of psychological horror show or something. What it would not be is a mystery show.

In this spirit, I’d like to propose a few similarly terrible final episodes for Star Trek: The Next Generation.

  • Picard wakes up from surgery after being stabbed by the Tuskan Raider Nausicaan. He’s still a young ensign. He goes back to the bar and all of the main cast are patrons or servers. (Guinan is a dance hall girl wearing mostly huge pink feathers.)
  • Picard wakes up from taking magic mushrooms in a native american ceremony and the rest of the cast are his fellow shamans. All of the dialog is in Navajo, with subtitles.
  • Instead of the poker game, we then flash to a bunch of kids playing in the back yard of a late 1960s house, with the suggestion that they just watched an episode of the original and TNG has all been them playing pretend. One of the kids is named Beaver. Another is named Dennis.
  • It is revealed that the entire show was actually the Star Trek fanfic of a prematurely balding teenager who looks kind of like Patrick Stewart, which he just finished reading to a hot girl who then flat-out rejects him the moment he’s done, and he commits suicide by drinking a mixture of crushed glass and wine.
  • In the final episode, it is revealed that the main cast are all patients in a lunatic asylum in the 1980s, and Q is actually one of the nurses.
  • We pull back from the final episode to see Lee Harvey Oswald in a chair with one of those things on his face holding his eyes open. It turns out that TNG was actually a torture device people wearing grey robes used to break down his will and make him complacent. We hear him saying, over and over, “I will kill President Kennedy.” This fades to black and Leonard Nemoy walks out and says, “And perhaps this was how the Illuminati killed JFK.”

Aren’t those all brilliant? Wouldn’t it have been so cool if they’d done those instead of what they actually did? Can there be a better way to end a long-running TV show than with a giant out-of-genre F.U. to the fans?

Yes, actually. There can be.

Admittedly, though, this still isn’t as bad as the people who blame superheroes for the actions of supervillains.

8 thoughts on “What If Jessica Killed All Those People!

  1. Paul (Drak Bibliophile) Howard

    IMO “Jessica actually killed all of the people” works as a joke but not as a Real Thing.

    Those other things are terrible.

    But then, Dallas (the TV series) had that thing of “all of the last season’s episodes were a Bad Dream”.

    So idiot things happen in TV series writings. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mary Catelli

    I believe it’s an allusion to the way that dead bodies tend to pop up wherever she appears. Really, that many coincidences would have any sage cop thinking “serial killer.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I certainly get the occasion, especially when it’s a joke. But actually suggesting this would have been a good ending makes as much sense as suggesting that Harry Potter should have ended with him being committed to a mental institution because magic isn’t real. Or the tng crew dying of starvation because replicators and faster-than-light travel isn’t real, and neither is artificial gravity.


      1. Mary Catelli

        A couple of days after Order of the Phoenix came, two bookstore clerks were talking about it, and a customer told them she was certain it would prove all a dream

        Liked by 1 person

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